Reunited
by prepare4trouble
Summary: Ace Rimmer decides to go back home and visit the guys on Starbug, but along the way he runs into the Lister from Kochanski's dimension (5th chapter now up)
1. Missing You

Reunited

Chapter 1 – Missing you

Ace Rimmer drummed his fingers on the control panel in front of him and hummed an irritating tune that he just couldn't get out of his head, it had been stuck in there for three days now and he didn't even know what it was.  He had no idea what the words were, so he just kept humming the same line over and over again. 

'M mer m mer m mer mer, m mer mer m mer mer'.  It was driving him crazy.  He had spent the last few weeks failing to find any dimension that was even remotely interesting, he had nothing to do.  He was bored.

'M mer m mer m mer mer, m mer mer m mer mer'

He had to find something to do and fast or he was going to go insane.  He hated to admit it, even to himself, but he missed Lister, Cat and Kryten.  When they were around at least he had someone to talk to even if all he did was insult them.  It was better than this.  Alone in deep space in some other dimension with no one to talk to except a computer that worshipped the ground he walked on.  At first he'd found it flattering, then it become slightly irritating.  After three months he was at the point where he would happily rip out it's circuit boards and drop them out of an air lock just to shut it up.  It would give him something to do at well.  Killing two birds with one stone.

Unfortunately he needed the computer to take him from dimension to dimension so he could do one heroic deed after another, get showered with praise by thankful people and have lots of sex with beautiful women.  Boring boring boring.  Where was the fun in all that if there was no one to show off to about it.  During the last three months he had had more sex than he would have had in hundreds of his lifetimes.  Probably more than Lister had had, definitely more than Cat and he had no one to show off to about it.

It was crazy, he knew that.  He had everything he had ever wanted. He was successful, desirable, heroic, handsome, and best of all he didn't have a fairly large metallic letter 'H' on his forehead advertising his status as 'dead man' to anyone who glanced at him.  But what was the point in all that success if he didn't have someone whose nose he could rub in it?  If he couldn't ring up his brothers and tell them of all his heroics, smugly smiling at the thought of their jealous faces?

Ace Rimmer rubbed is eyes with his fingers and stretched theatrically.  Ace Rimmer shouldn't be thinking thoughts like that.  Ace Rimmer was a hero, he did things because they were the right things to do, not because it made him feel superior.  He let out a long, loud sigh.  'That is because', he told himself, 'you aren't Ace Rimmer.  You're plain old Arnold Rimmer and you just aren't cut out for this kind of thing.  There's a reason why you were always such a failure, why your brothers were better that you at everything, why you failed the astro navigation exam so many times, and that reason is because you're a useless goit.'  He sighed again, his mind was right.  He may have finally perfected the Ace Rimmer voice, he may have got used to caring more about his appearance than the Cat, but deep down he was still the same old snivelling coward he had always been.  He would never be Ace.  Not really.  He couldn't imagine the Ace Rimmer that had saved the Cat's life after crashing into Starbug having thoughts like that, nor the Ace Rimmer that had given his last hours of existence to train Rimmer to become his replacement.

'M mer m mer m mer mer, m mer mer m mer mer'. It was still there

'To Ganymede and Titan…' That was it!  That was the song that had been plaguing him for three days!  That irritating tune Lister used to hum constantly back in the old days, back on Red Dwarf.  

He decided to go for a visit.

Somewhere in another plane of existence, a man called David Lister looked sadly out of the viewscreen of Starbug.  They had lost a quarter of their crew compliment three months ago today and he missed her.  He missed her so badly it hurt.  He missed her more that when she had broken up with him three million years ago, before he had died.  At least then he'd known that she was safe, he'd been able to see her, even to talk to her.

He missed being with her, holding her, making love to her and he would do anything to get her back.  Fate was so cruel, he thought, It had taken her away from him and into the arms of another man, it had put her into stasis for not reporting his bringing Frankenstein aboard, then it had killed him along with the rest of the crew and had him brought back as a hologram, doomed to the torturous fate of seeing her every day without being able to touch her.  He had existed in that hell for almost six years before he got his hard light drive, but it had been worth it because he had become the happiest man in the universe and she was the happiest woman.  It was a cliché, but when they were together there was nothing they couldn't do, they completed each other perfectly, and now she was gone and he was alone and it hurt more than any of the other things that fate had thrown his way.

Tears threatened to fall from his eyes and he angrily retreated to their sleeping quarters.  The sleeping quarters he shared with Kristine, where they had spent countless nights together.  Everything on the ship made him think of her.  Sometimes he felt as though his head would explode, he wanted… he _needed to know where she was, that she was all right.  Lister curled up in a foetal position his bunk and drifted into an uneasy sleep._

"Your home dimension is one of these two, Ace," said the computer, "I can't tell which one until we get there, it seems both dimensions linked temporarily and it's led to some problems."

Rimmer nodded, worried, "They're both stable?" he asked in his Ace Rimmer voice.  The computer assured him that they were.  He stared at the two sets of co-ordinates on the screen, it seemed that the two dimensions were closely linked, but there was a big difference.  One was home, the other wasn't.

He took a deep breath, it wasn't a major problem, if the first one he chose was wrong, he could simply go to the other one, but he really, really wanted to get home first time.  He surprised himself how anxious he was to get there and see how Lister, Kryten and the Cat were getting on without him.  He hoped they were falling to pieces so he could turn up and put everything back to how it should be.  He'd have the chance to be the hero to people who actually knew him!

"OK," he said, "Ip dip sky blue, who's it?  Not you" On each word he jabbed at the screen with his finger.  "We'll try this one first," he told the computer, pointing to the other set of co-ordinates.  

"Your wish is my command," said the computer in its sexiest voice and engaged the engines, ready to travel to the selected dimension.

"Something doesn't smell right, bud," said the Cat as he ran into Lister's sleeping quarters.  "I don't know what it is, I've never smelled anything like it before." 

Lister opened his eyes groggily, "Does it smell dangerous?" he asked.

"I can't tell yet, you'd better come have a look."

Groaning, he forced himself to get up and follow Cat into the cockpit.  "Are you sure about this?" he asked, "there's nothing showing up on any of the sensors."

The Cat looked insulted, "Don't you know better than that yet?" he asked, "These nostrils could smell someone taking a dump in the next galaxy.  Nothing gets past them, I don't make mistakes."

"Well, if that's all it is I don't think we'll have to worry"

"We could be in trouble here and all you can do it make dumb jokes?"

"Hold on, there it is." said Lister, "I'm reading it, go and get Kryten."  Cat turned to go but before he had the chance to leave the cockpit, Starbug began shaking.  He and Lister fell to the floor and scrambled to find something to hold onto.  The ship continued shaking for several minutes.  Once it was safe, Cat and Lister got to their feet and a concerned Kryten rushed in wearing an apron.  "A ship's appeared right next to us." Shouted Lister.  "I've never seen anything like it before"

"The pilot's trying to communicate." Kryten told him.

"Patch him through, then." Said Lister, hoping it wasn't Simulants. 

Kryten pressed a few buttons and a man's face appeared on the screen.  His lips were moving but no sound appeared to be coming out.

"Smeg," said Lister, "looks like the comm. system was damaged."  He looked at the man on the screen.  He looked familiar.  In fact he looked very familiar.  The hair was different, he looked more confident but there was no denying that if he wasn't looking at his old bunkmate Arnold Rimmer, he was looking at his twin.  "Oh smeg." He whispered.

Rimmer's face faded from the screen and was replaced by blank whiteness.  Words began to appear as if they were being typed out.

            _"Looks like I've knocked out some of your systems.  Sorry, about that.  Permission to come aboard?"_

_            "Who are you?" typed Lister in response.  There was no way he could really be Rimmer._

            _"Prefer to explain face to face.  I'll help you out on those repairs at the same time.  Permission to come aboard?" Rimmer typed._

Lister glanced at Cat and Kryten, neither of them knew who he was, luckily for them they'd never had the pleasure of meeting Rimmer.  Cat shrugged, "We could use and extra pair of hands of some of these repairs." He said.

Lister nodded in agreement.  _"Permission granted," he typed._


	2. Going Home

Reunited

Chapter 2 – Going Home

Lister shook his head in amazement.  "This is incredible," he said after hearing Ace Rimmer's story, "I didn't even know parallel universes existed until a few months ago, now we've got another visitor.  And I can't believe it's you, and like this."  He looked at the heroic looking figure standing in front of him.  "In our universe Rimmer was the worst smeg head you could imagine, a complete coward, he lived to make my life miserable."

Rimmer smiled to himself.  He had worked out where this dimension had split from his own and it seemed that the Rimmer that Lister was talking about was the same man that he, himself used to be.  "You had experience with a parallel universe a few months ago, Dave?"  Judging by what the computer had said, the chances were that they had somehow stumbled into his home universe, or his Lister, Cat and Kryten had found their way into this one.

"Yeah." Said Lister.  He didn't seem to want to talk about it so Rimmer decided to let it go for now, though he was interested to find out what his old crew mates had been up to.  He finished replacing a panel and handed the screwdriver back to Lister.  

Rimmer looked at the hologram stood in front of him, a hard light duplicate of a man he almost considered to be a friend.  "So…" he said, trying to think of something to say to lighten the atmosphere, "Did you die with the rest of the crew on Red Dwarf?"

"Yeah." Said Lister again

"That's interesting," tried Rimmer, "Because in my dimension Lister lived."  There was no response.  "Um… so weren't there any survivors on your Red Dwarf?"

"Yeah."

Rimmer hesitated; he'd obviously done something wrong.  Lister had completely closed up, he wasn't even sure he was hearing him.  "Look," he said in his best Ace Rimmer voice.  "I know it's none of my business Dave, but is there something wrong?"

Lister looked up from the floor he'd been staring at, "Sorry man, didn't mean to be rude, it's just my mind's been on other things recently."  Rimmer remained silent, hoping Lister would continue on his own.  "That other dimension I mentioned.  There was an accident, someone got left behind."  Rimmer nodded.  The surviving Red Dwarf crewmember.  Whoever he was must have been stranded aboard Starbug in Rimmer's dimension.

"So he's still there?" he asked.

"She," corrected Lister with a nod, "Kristine Kochanski."  He walked over to the fridge and took out two cans of beer, threw one to Rimmer and sat down at the table.  Rimmer joined him, surprised by this new information.  His Lister now had this Lister's Kochanski.

"So in this dimension, Kochanski survived in stasis and had you brought back as a hologram."  Lister nodded.  Rimmer thought about this silently for a moment. "Must have been a nightmare for you." He said quietly.

Lister's eyes rose up to meet his, "What do you mean?" he asked, "She's the woman I love."

"And you were a soft light hologram.  You couldn't even hold her hand or kiss her cheek."  Said Rimmer.  It had been bad enough for him, denied the simple pleasure of physical contact with anything but his own body, but to be constantly taunted like that, reminded of what he couldn't have.  He banished from his mind the thought of how he might have felt if Yvonne McGruder had survived the accident.  He didn't even want to think about it.

"Yeah, it was tough." Agreed Lister, 'tough' didn't even begin to describe it, it _was a nightmare.  "It sounds like you know what you're talking about." he added._

Rimmer nodded and took a swig of beer, "I spent over five years as soft light." He explained.  He found that he felt a kind of kinship with this Lister, he wanted to help him out, get Kochanski back, and if it was his dimension that she had ended up in, he knew exactly where to find her.

"You're a hologram?" Lister was saying in surprise, "Where's your 'H'?"

"I don't have it anymore," Rimmer stated the obvious, "I'm not sure why, or I'd help you get rid of yours."

Lister felt at the letter on his forehead.  He used to hate it, but now he'd got used to it, "Don't worry about it man, I kinda like it." He said

Rimmer shrugged, "Look," he said, "something my computer told me makes me think your Kochanski might have ended up in my dimension, she wasn't sure which of two dimensions was mine because they'd both been linked.  The link must have been when you lost her.  I can't be sure until I get there, but since I was heading that way anyway, what do you say to tagging along for the ride?  If she's there I can drop the two of you back here.  Shouldn't be any problem."

Lister's eyes went wide with excitement.  Kochanski was in Ace's dimension?  It seemed too good to be true.  "Yes!  Please!  That would be…thanks man!"

Ace smiled, it was good to help people out.  "I'm going to go back to my ship then, make sure everything's ready to go.  I'll be back here in about an hour and we'll go get your girl back."  He slapped Lister on the shoulder as he left and strode out of the door.

Lister stared after him in amazement.  An hour!  He could see Kristine in an hour!  Thank God he'd invited this guy aboard.  "What a guy," he said.  Then he finished off his beer, had what Rimmer had left over and went to tell Cat and Kryten the good news, with a spring in his step that hadn't been there for a long time.

"Ready to go Dave?"  Asked Rimmer

"More ready than I've been for anything ever," Answered Lister, with a huge grin on his face.  It had been there for the past hour since Ace had mentioned the possibility of getting Kristine back.  

"Good luck Mr Lister sir," Said Kryten, who had taken a break from the laundry to see them off

"Yeah, bring her back safe bud," added the Cat

Lister nodded, "I will," he promised, then turned to follow Ace to his ship.

Rimmer turned back to Kryten and the Cat, "Smoke us a kipper, we'll be back for breakfast." He said

Inside Rimmer's ship was small.  Plenty big enough for one man, but not much room for company.

"Sorry it's so cramped," Said Rimmer, "but it'll not be more than ten minutes."

"No problem." Said Lister.  Ten minutes.  In ten minutes he would see Kochanski again.  The grin was still there, he couldn't lose it even though it had begun to make his jaw ache.  Ten minutes, ten minutes!

As the ship broke through the dimensions, Lister felt nothing.  Rimmer either knew from experience or had some instrument telling him because as soon as they arrived he said, "Well that was smoother that my last arrival"

"You mean we're here?"  Squeaked Lister. 

Ace punched a few buttons and an image of Starbug appeared on the viewscreen.  "That's it," he said, "My Starbug.  I'm home."

"My Krissie's in there?"

"I hope so."

"Then lets get over there and rescue her."

Rimmer nodded and opened communications channels.  Lister's face appeared on the screen and his hologramatic double slouched down out of sight, not wanting this universe's Lister to know he was there to take Kristine back.

"Rimmer?"  Said Lister from the viewscreen

"Lister."  Said Rimmer in answer.  "Permission to come aboard?"

"Of course," came the reply, "Any time man."

Rimmer turned around to face the other version of Lister who was lurking behind him.  His head popped up from behind the seat.  'Good thinking.' Thought Rimmer.  "Ready to go?"  He asked.

Lister nodded excitedly and got up to follow Rimmer.

As he boarded Starbug, Rimmer squashed down the feelings of nostalgia and smiled his best Ace Rimmer smile at Lister, Cat, Kryten and Kochanski.  Kochanski was stood next to Lister, watching Rimmer with curiosity.  The man stood in front of her looked nothing like the Arnold Rimmer she remembered from her days on Red Dwarf.  "Ms Kochanski ma'am," Said Rimmer with a nod, resisting the urge to salute her with a full Rimmer salute.

From behind him, another Lister appeared.


	3. Together Again

Reunited

Chapter 3 – Together Again

"Dave?"  Said Kochanski.  She stepped forward towards him.

"Kristine." Answered Lister.  They ran to each other and embraced tightly, the grin on Lister's face became even wider and his eyes prickled with tears of joy.  "I've missed you so much," he whispered.

The other Lister watched jealously for as long as he could stand it, his mouth half open and a gormless expression of surprise on his face.  After what seemed like years he tore his eyes away and looked at Rimmer.

"I accidentally damaged this guys ship this morning, thought reuniting him with his girl was the least I could do by way of an apology."  Said Rimmer

Lister beckoned with his hand for Rimmer to follow him and stomped off into the next room.  Rimmer followed, Cat and Kryten went with them, giving Kris and Dave some privacy.

******

"I cannot believe that you did this Rimmer!" Exploded Lister the minute they were out of earshot of the happy couple.

"Did what?" Asked Rimmer.

Lister sighed, "You know what, bringing him here.  You're going to take them back to their dimension, aren't you?  You're going to take her away!  You git."

Rimmer was offended.  He should have known Lister would react like this, he would have known if he'd thought for half a second, but he was too busy playing the hero.

Cat stepped forwards towards Lister, "Hey, calm down buddy, you can't blame Ace for this."

Lister stared at him, angry at being interrupted before he even had the chance to begin his rant.  "Really?" he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm and fury, "and why can't I blame him?  Give me one reason."

Cat grinned, only one reason, that was easy.  He even had an answer, one that made total sense, not even Lister would be able to argue with it.  "Look at him," he said, "he's the second best dressed guy in the universe, how can you blame him for anything."

"Cat, get out." Lister told him, pointing to the door.  

Cat shrugged and left. "See you later bud," he said over his shoulder to Ace.

Kryten watched Cat leave, "Good," he said, "now we can have a real conversation.  Mr. Ace sir, I would be fascinated to hear of all the adventures you have had since we last saw you."

"Later Kryten," Lister told him, "I need to speak to 'Ace' here in private."

Kryten left too, looking a little put out.  When they were finally alone Lister turned to Rimmer, "How could you do this to me, man?" he asked, "You _knew how much I wanted to be with Kochanski, she was finally here and you turn up in your stupid wig and take her away."_

"You didn't tell the Cat and Kryten about me then?" asked Rimmer, reverting to his own voice now that they had gone.

"No, I thought it'd be best that way."  Rimmer nodded.  It was best that way, he wasn't sure why, but it probably was.  That was the way that all the other Aces had done it, it had to be the right way.  "Stop trying to change the subject Rimmer," Lister said.

"All right, all right," said Rimmer.  This wasn't the homecoming he had envisioned.  "I wasn't thinking, your double seemed like an okay guy, he was heartbroken about losing Kochanski.  It didn't seem right to just leave him like that when I could do something to help.  I knew where she was, I had the ship that could take him to her, what else could I have done?"

"You could have not mentioned anything about it, said 'Smoke me a kipper I'll be back for breakfast' and smegged off.  He'd never have known, Kochanski could have stayed here and everyone would have been happy.  Well, no one would have been more unhappy that they were before anyway."

"I couldn't have done that." Rimmer insisted.  Why didn't Lister understand?

"Why the smeg not?.  Leave him with a broken heart, who cares?  I'm the Lister you've known for years.  I'm the Lister that convinced you to become Ace.  Doesn't that mean anything to you?  He had her for seven years, it's time I had a chance."  Lister sat down.  He knew he was being irrational.  He just really wanted Kochanski to stay with him.  It didn't matter that she hadn't shown the slightest bit of interest in him, it didn't matter that she constantly went on about 'her Dave' and tried to find a way to get back to him.  All that mattered was that she was there, and as long as she was there, there was always a chance that the other things could change.  But now she was leaving, and it was all Rimmer's fault.

"Lister, please.  Think about what you're saying.  'He had her for seven years.'  She's not one of your AR simulations that you can borrow from someone and give back when you're done with it.  She's a living, breathing human being and she wants to be with him.  Besides, don't you realise that for six of the seven years they were together they couldn't even touch?  You can't imagine what it's like, Lister, to spend years trapped in a body incapable of touch, unable to feel anything.  It's as close to being in hell as a person can get." He looked at Lister, his face was unreadable, he didn't know whether he was getting through to him or not.  "I'm sorry you have to lose her, but she doesn't belong here, she belongs with him.  Didn't you see her face when she saw him?"

Lister sat and thought about this for longer than he had ever thought about anything before in his life.  Rimmer was right, he decided.  He hated to admit it but Kochanski wasn't happy with him.  All she wanted was to go back to her perfect hologramatic boyfriend.  As much as he wanted her to stay with him, he wanted her to be happy.  It stank, but there was nothing he could do about it.  He looked at Rimmer sat opposite him, he had changed so much since he had last saw him.  The old Rimmer would never have been able to convince him of something like that.  He wouldn't have known how.  "Okay," he said finally, "maybe you're right.  I'm not saying you _are but you might be.  I'll give you the benefit of the doubt for now but we'll see what happens."_

Rimmer nodded.  Lister had no way of making Kochanski stay if she didn't want to, all he had done was convinced him not to hate him for bringing his double back.  Maybe he'd even made him realise he'd done the right thing.

"So," said Lister, "tell me what you've been up to."

Rimmer smiled, this was more like it.  It was time to show off.

******

Lister lay on his back on his bunk staring upwards.  The events of the day played themselves through his head over and over again, there was nothing he could do to stop it.  It had started off like any other normal, boring day.  He'd woken up early in the afternoon, had a shower and sat around.  Then Rimmer had turned up with his new best friend the Holo-Lister and wrecked everything. 

He couldn't say things had been going fantastically with Krissie, but they'd been moving along fairly nicely.  He'd figured that if things continued as they were, he should get her in bed within the next few months.  No chance of that now though.  She was going to leave, with _him.  And worst of all, somehow Rimmer had managed to convince him that letting her go without a fight was the right thing to do.  That she would be happier with 'her Dave'.  And he'd done it using emotional blackmail.  'You can't imagine what it's like, Lister.  Blah blah blah' that just wasn't right.  OK, so he'd never died, he'd never been a hologram, except for a few weeks when he bodyswapped with Rimmer, but so what?  Rimmer had made out that that made him inferior, and just for a moment he'd fallen for it.  He'd even started to feel sympathy for Rimmer.  What a disturbing thought.  But no!  Just because the other guy was dead didn't mean he had the right to swoop in and steal Kris away.  He was going to fight for her as hard as he could right up until the second she left._

He was interrupted from his thoughts by Cat wandering in, "What are you doing?" he asked

Lister rolled his head towards him, "What does it look like I'm doing?" he asked back at him.

Cat stared at Lister for a minute, "Well…" he said eventually, "it _looks like you were thinking about something, but seeing as it's you, that's that theory out the window."_

"Did you come in here for a reason?"

"Not really." Said the Cat, sitting down, "I was bored, everyone's busy.  Kryten's doing laundry, Ace is has vanished and officer BB went into her quarters with that hologram." He leaned towards Lister conspiratorially, "I think they're having sex!" he said in a fairly loud whisper.

Lister sat up and rested his head on his hand, "Well that's just great," he said, "that finishes off my day smegging brilliantly.  Not only does he have to be here but also now she's sleeping with him.  She's sleeping with a dead man!  There's a word for people who do that!"

"What's the word?"

"Go away Cat," said Lister.  Then he lay back down, closed his eyes and tried to get to sleep.  Not an easy task with images of Kris and 'her Dave' forcing their way into his mind.

******

"Been having fun?" asked Lister in a cheery, upbeat way to the tired, messy haired woman who wondered bleary eyed into the room and opened the fridge.

Kochanski looked up, "I didn't know you'd be in here so early." She said

"Well, I thought I'd get an early start," said Lister, "besides, it's nearly one in the afternoon, I thought you were the early bird of this crew."  Realisation dawned on Kochanski, she knew what Lister was doing, he was trying to embarrass her.  "I don't suppose you're part of the crew any more though, are you?" he added.  He was trying to make her guilty as well.  Well, it wasn't going to bother her.

She looked at Lister sat at the table, watching her with an 'I know what you've been doing' look on his face.  "No, I suppose I'm not," she said in an equally cheery voice, gave him one of her best smiles and stomped off back to her quarters with a carton of orange juice in her hand.  Lister watched her as she left but she ignored him.  She didn't want to be cruel, but if he was going to be like that, she was going to do the same to him.

Dave was laying asleep in her bed.  She smiled at him and sat down.  It was strange, she thought, how similar they were.  It had disturbed her when she had first found herself in this dimension how much Lister liked like Dave.  It made her miss him all the more.  Over time she had got used to it and it didn't bother her as much, but now things were strange again, and bizarrely the thing that was bothering her was how much Dave looked like Lister.

He yawned, rubbed his eyes and slowly sat up, looking confused.  His eyes focused on her and he smiled.  "You're really here," he said, "I thought it was another dream, you're really here at last."

Kochanski sat down on the bed next to him and kissed him gently.  "I'm really here," she assured him, "and I'm not going anywhere, ever again."


	4. Problems

Sorry it's been so long, I got caught up in other things and forgot all about this story, to be honest, but I'm finally back, so enjoy, and please, if you like it or if you don't, I love reviews…

* * *

Reunited

Chapter 4 - Problems

If he was on Earth, Lister decided, today would have been a bright, sunny day where everyone was smiling and it looked like nothing could go wrong. The kind of day where you should have no worries and all you had to do was sit, relax and watch the world go by. Lister had realised long ago that poetic ideas of the weather suiting your mood were always wrong. Without fail, whenever he was having the worst day of his life the weather would be wonderful, bright sun in the summer, crisp white snow in the winter. If he was happy it would be dreary and overcast. He had decided that the weather just didn't like him. And that was why now, as he sat staring at nothing and trying not to think, he knew that if the Earth was still there, the weather in Liverpool would be glorious.

He had seen no one for a few hours and he had the distinct impression that they were all avoiding him. He didn't blame them either, he knew that he wouldn't have been the best company, but he still wished he could talk to someone, even if all he would end up doing was moaning about 'Dave'. He wanted him gone, and he knew that sooner or later he would be, but when he went he was going to take Kristine with him. Lister had thought for hours of ways to convince her to stay, he had imagined his way through countless scenarios trying to come up with one that stood a chance of working. In the end he had only two worthwhile possibilities, begging and pleading, both quite similar but one involved actually getting down on his knees, and neither of them were going to work.

******

Rimmer smiled and tried to look interested. He was sitting in the cockpit with Cat, who had just launched into a detailed description of his 57th suit. Rimmer had stopped listening after the second and he thought he'd done well to manage that much. He looked around the cockpit at the familiar lights, controls and other equipment, much of which he'd never been able to work out exactly what it was for, and sighed silently in contentment. It was good to be back. Ace's ship, his ship, had never felt like home. Not the way that Red Dwarf and Starbug did. While he was away he hadn't realised how much he'd missed the little things, the familiar lingering smell of curry that just wouldn't go, the way Lister insulted him, even Cat's self absorbed, irritating obsession with clothes. Part of him, a big part, wished he'd never left, that Ace had never turned up and offered to train him. He'd never liked Ace anyway, it wasn't just that he was jealous of him, although he had been, he just plain didn't like him. He was as vain as the Cat, as perfect as all his brothers rolled into one and as irritating as the rash he'd caught once when he'd accidentally worn one of Lister's shirts.

"…And it's got this great black tie with white bits on that really sets off the collar of the shirt." Cat was saying.

"Really? That sound's great." muttered Rimmer. For the past few hours he hadn't actually heard a word the Cat had said, he's just been guessing the right sounding response and hoping he didn't get caught out. He was enjoying being back, but it would have been so much better if he didn't have to pretend to be Ace all the time. Cat would have known not to talk about is suits for five hours to Rimmer, and if he'd tried it, Rimmer could have told him to shut up and threatened to throw every item of his clothes out the airlock if he didn't. Ace, of course, couldn't do that. Ace would have been as interested in Cat's wardrobe as Cat was.

"Don't you?" Said the Cat.

Rimmer looked up in surprise, he hadn't heard the question, but it sounded like a 'yes' answer to him, "Sure do, old chum." He said.

Cat grinned, "Now this other one I've got is very similar to that one, but a fashionable guy like you would be able to tell the difference right away. The colour is slightly lighter, and the cut is…"

"Could you just excuse me a minute Cat, I've got to get myself a drink of water," he interrupted. He couldn't listen to it any more, he needed a break.

Cat looked surprised but nodded, "Sure bud," he said and Rimmer made a hasty retreat.

******

Lister looked up as he heard Rimmer walk in, then looked down again, deciding he wasn't in the mood for company after all.

"Was Cat always that irritating?" Rimmer asked him, keeping his voice down. 

Lister smiled slightly for the first time that day, "What's he been doing?" he asked

Rimmer looked worn out, pretending to look interested in endless descriptions of various outfits was more exhausting than anything else he had to do as Ace. "He has told me everything there is to know about hundreds of his suits, colours, cuts, what accessories go best with what, how he wears his hair when he's wearing each, all the slight variations he can make. I don't think he's even half way through yet!"

Lister kicked another chair our for Rimmer, who was visibly shaking, either from the exhaustion of being polite for hours or fear that the Cat might follow him and start talking again, "Sit down Rimmer, you look like you're about to pass out."

"No," Rimmer shook his head, "He'll come looking for me in a minute, I've got to hide. If he asks, make up something heroic and say I'm doing it." He turned and half ran out of the room, looking for somewhere safe to recover.

Despite his worries, Lister grinned to himself as Rimmer left. It was getting just like the old days. He'd known he missed Rimmer, in fact ever since he turned up he'd been panicking about that dream, but it wasn't until now that he'd realised how much he'd missed him. It felt like the crew were back together again.

He was interrupted from his thoughts by Cat, "You seen Ace, buddy?" he asked. 

"Yeah," said Lister, "he said he had to do something heroic, but when he gets back he wants he wants you to go into more detail about your suits, I think he wants you to tell him about all the ones you've already described again." It had been too long since he'd been able to do something like that to Rimmer, he wanted to take advantage of his chance before he left again.

"Great!" said Cat with a wide grin, "I thought maybe he'd want to know more, I just didn't want to bore the guy."

Suddenly, without warning, Lister was hit by an idea and before he had chance to think about it or stop himself, he opened his mouth and said something that as soon as he heard it, he knew he was going to regret. "Cat, you want Kochanski to stay, right?"

"Of course I do, you'd have to be mad to want her gone!" He answered

"You think you can do something for me?" That was when he realised what a mistake he had made. It would have been too hard to back out now, so he had to go ahead and ask. It wasn't what he was planning on doing that worried him, it was what would happen if Kochanski ever found out. Cat was looking at him, waiting for him to finish, "I need you to go and talk to her Holodave, tell him what a great time Krissie's been having here, say she's been getting on great with me, you understand?"

"What for?"

Lister sighed, he was going to have to spell it out. "Imply to her boyfriend that she might have had something going on with me. I can't do it because he'll know what I'm doing." Even as he said it he knew it was the wrong thing to do, he tried to stop, but the words marched on unefected out of his mouth. "You don't have to lie or anything, don't go in there and say we were doing it in the cockpit while you were watching or something, just say how well we've been getting on. Maybe you could mention how she told me he was gay. But whatever you do, don't let Krissie know about it."

"Sure," said Cat, still not sure what the point was. The way he saw it, why would officer BB be interested in Lister when she had another version that was ten times better? Still, even though it was a stupid plan and it didn't have a chance of working he decided he'd give it a go. He wanted Kochanski to stay too, and what the Hell? Ace had disappeared and it would give him something to do before he could start talking about his suits again.

Cat got up and left, leaving Lister sat staring into space again. Now instead of worrying about Kochanski leaving, he was worying about what he had done. He knew now that it was the most stupid idea he could ever have had. He didn't even want to think about what would happen if Kochanski found out about it, but at the same time he was excited. Evil or not, stupid or not, he wanted to know whether it would work. He tried to reasure himself that she would never know and actually found that he was starting to feel better. He relaxed, realising as he did how tense he had been, then he got up and headed off to find Kryten. He wouldn't be too happy Kris stayed, he thought. As he stepped through the door he walked straight into a very angry Kochanski.

"Kris, hi. How are you?" he asked.

Kochanski glared at him, "What the hell are you doing?" she asked.

As soon as he saw her he realised the Cat had done something stupid, there was no way out of this, he decided to play dumb, "I was just going to look for Kryten, I was getting bored, thought I'd find someone to talk to. I've not seen anyone for hours." As he spoke he stepped backwards into the room, persued by Kochanski and her look of fury.

"Oh, really?" she said, "So you didn't just tell the Cat to come into my quarters and tell Dave lies about you and me?"

Lister shook his head vigorously while his heard beat furiously in his chest. He had been found out, but she was wrong. He had specifically told Cat not to lie. "I told him not to lie," he blurted out.

"What were you thinking Lister? What did you tell him to do!?" 

She was showing no signs of calming down, and Lister decided that whatever the Cat had done, there was no way Kochanski would be convinced that he had nothing to do with it. All he could do was try and make her think that he had as little to do with it as possible. His heart sank as he realised that no matter what he said, he had ruined any chance of convincing her to stay. No matter what he did now she would hate him. He had known he was making a mistake even as he explained his plan to the Cat, he should have kept his mouth shut. At least that way when she left she wouldn't have hated him, she might even have held on to a few good memories of her time with him. Now she was going to leave anyway and every time she thought of him, she would think of this. He sighed, "What did he do?" he asked, half expecting the answer he heard.

"He burst into my quarters and told Dave that you wanted him to tell him that you and I were a couple and that we do in in the cockpit with Cat and Kryten watching."

Lister bit his lip, "I specifically told him _not to say that."_

Kochanski sighed loudly, turned around and stomped back the way she had come.

Lister followed close behing her like a puppy at her heals, trying to explain. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean for this to happen, I just asked him to imply that we might have something going on. You weren't supposed to know about it. It was Cat's idea anyway," he lied, "he doesn't want you to leave either. Nor does Kryten. Please Krissie, none of this is my fault." 

She turned around as she reached the door of her quarters and Lister looked hopefully at her, praying for an ounce of forgiveness. "Don't call me 'Krissie,' it's Officer Kochanski to you." she told him, then the door closed in his face, but not before he saw Dave sitting on the unmade bed, staring at him.

Lister turned away from the closed door with a look of determination on his face, and went to find the Cat. 


	5. Discoveries

Reunited

Chapter 5 – Discoveries

"What do you want me to say, bud?" asked the Cat with an edge of panic to his voice, "I did what you said do, it's not my fault is was a stupid idea."

"You did the opposite of what I said," Lister told him in a calm way that Cat didn't like. He opened the scissors and moved them closer to that jacket he was holding in his hands. "Now she's definitely going to leave, you know?" Something began to penetrate his calm exterior, his voice began to crack, "She's going to leave."

Cat kept one eye on the scissors and the other on Lister "Yeah, nothing we can do about it though," he said.

Anger flashed across Lister's face as if he was about to yell, or maybe use his scissors, then it was gone and Lister just looked tired and upset. "I suppose not," he admitted, sitting down and resting his chin on one hand, "he's here, she's going with him, it's too late. No point me blaming you, it's all Rimmer's fault anyway." 

Cat decided the time was right, Lister wasn't concentrating on the jacket and the scissors any more, he was thinking about other things. He reached forward and snatched the precious item of clothing out of Lister's hands.

Lister jumped in surprise, then blinked as if he was waking up from a daydream, "Oh, sorry," he muttered and put the scissors down.

"Yeah, you would have been sorry if you'd damaged my suit!" the Cat told him.

"I wasn't going to," he admitted, "Sorry, it's just thing whole thing's got me on edge. Just as things were starting to work out, they start going wrong. I could kill Rimmer sometimes."

"Just as long as you keep your grubby hands off my suits I don't care who you kill," said the Cat, then turned to go, but paused. "Hey, what's with you and Ace anyway?" he asked, "I mean you used to be such good buds, not you act like you can't stand him, and it's not just because he brought holoboy here. And how come you keep calling him Rimmer? You never used to do that before."

Lister shrugged, "Yeah, well, it was different before."

"Different how?" persisted the Cat.

"_He was different, look, it's difficult to explain."_

But Cat was intrigued now, and he wasn't going to be put off. He sat down, still clutching his jacket protectively, "Y'know, I noticed the same thing," he said, "he is acting a bit weird. I was talking to him earlier about my suits and sometimes he looked like he wasn't interested."

"Really?" said Lister, wondering how he could change the subject.

"Yeah! Like that! Like he wanted me to shut up!" Lister didn't say anything, hoping to get the message across that way, there was an uncomfortable silence. Cat waited for a second, then realised he wasn't going to have to change tactics. "Do you think it's got something to do with him being a hologram?"

That got a response. "What? How did you know that?"

Cat smiled widely, showing off his sharp teeth and tapped his nose, "These nostrils can tell the difference between a hologram and a person nearly as easily as they can tell you need a shower. They can tell a hologram from a person even over the smell of you needing a shower."

Lister raised an arm and sniffed experimentally, "Alright, alright. So if you can tell so easily, why didn't you say anything last time he was here?"

"It never came up."

Lister sighed, "Okay, so you know he's a hologram, what difference does that make?"

"Well, I was thinking earlier, see. I can't tell one hologram from another, they all smell the same, so if they _look the same, I can't tell which one's which."_

"So?" asked Lister

"So, Rimmer died last time Ace was here, right? But I couldn't tell which one was which between them, so how do we know Rimmer died and not Ace?"

"What are you saying?" asked Lister, who was fairly sure he knew exactly what he was saying.

"I'm saying that I think Rimmer faked his own death, killed Ace, and replaced him. Think about it, it makes sense, we all know how jealous he was of him. That would explain why Ace is acting so weird, he's not Ace, he's Goalpost head!" he said triumphantly, with a grin that said he expected Lister to be amazed by his incredible intelligence and realise that he was right. Instead, Lister just smiled. "What do you think?" Cat asked after a minute.

Lister shook his head, still smiling "You're half right," he said, and then he told him the truth.

******

Kochanski packed her few belongings into the small bag, smiling as she remembered the time Dave, not her Dave, had given her the red dress and let her use his quarters. She smiled even harder as she remembered what had happened afterwards. It was strange how things that make you so angry or frightened at the time could still seem like a good memory afterwards. A long time afterwards.

She lovingly smoothed the creases out of the dress and zipped the bag closed, then looked up as she heard a noise at the other side of the room. Dave, her Dave, was standing watching her. She smiled at him as he walked across the room.

"Have I told you how happy I am to have you back?" he asked her.

Kochanski nodded, "Yes," she said, "but I don't mind hearing it again."

Dave walked across the room and put his arms around her, lifting her in the air. Kochanski shrieked, the grin on her face was undisguisable, not that she wanted to disguise it. "I missed you so much, every second of every minute of every day. I knew I'd get you back. I love you. You know that, don't you?"

"Of course I do, I love you too."

Dave placed her down on the bed and sat next to her, his expression suddenly serious, "Then why do I get the feeling you're not happy?"

Kochanski's eyes slipped guiltily to the bag sitting next to her on the bed. He had been watching her. She moved her gaze up to meet his, "I am happy," she said, "more happy than I've ever been, it's just that it's difficult. These people have become my friends, sort of. Even your double's alright when he's not being a jealous idiot."

Dave winced visibly, "I can't believe I used to be the same person as him," he said. "I'm sorry, it's just all this seems too good to be true, I can't get rid of the feeling that something horrible's going to happen and mess it all up."

She put a hand comfortingly on his arm, "Everything is going to go fine. We're going to go home, together, and we're never going to be apart again. Why are you always such a pessimist,"

"Can you blame me, with everything that keeps happening?" he asked, then shook off his melancholy mood, "You're right," he said, "everything's going to be fine. I'll go and tell Ace we're ready to leave when he is."

Kochanski sighed as she watched him leave. She was going home, she should be over the moon, she was over the moon. She was finally going to get off the messiest and most badly run ship she had ever seen. She had her Dave back, but a part of her couldn't help feeling guilty. Lister irritated her, there were times she wanted to scream at him, times she wanted to hit him, especially today after what he had done, but deep down he was still Dave. They were the same person, and they were both in love with her. And to make matters worse, she realised she was in love with both of them. Not in the same way, she would never think about Lister in the same way as she did about Dave, but she knew she could never break Dave's heart, so how could she break Lister's?

******

"So let me get this straight," said the Cat, "you're telling me that Ace came here because he was dying and he asked Rimmer to take his place?"

"Yes," said Lister for the fourth time.

"But, _Rimmer? Out of all the guys in the universe he chose _Rimmer?_"_

"Yes, he had to chose another alternate Rimmer and he chose ours," Lister sighed, "and before you ask, I don't know why ours and not another one, maybe he just chose a random universe, maybe he had a reason and he didn't tell me, I don't know, so don't bother asking again."

"Okay, okay, but just one question?"

"What?"

"Why our Rimmer?"

Lister got up, "Bye Cat," he said shaking his head in exasperation, then left, he had more important things on his mind.

******

Rimmer froze as he heard the sound of approaching footsteps, his first thought was that Cat had found him. There was nothing to hide behind, so he turned and walked quickly in the opposite direction, hoping that he wouldn't be noticed.

"There you are Ace!" said Lister's voice. He turned around, it was the alternate Lister grinning at him, "I've been looking for you for ages,"

"Yeah, I had some things to do," Rimmer said, remembering just in time to put on his Ace Rimmer voice. It was confusing enough being able to be himself around Lister and having to be Ace around everyone else, but having to pretend to one Lister and not the other…if he had to keep this up much longer he was going to go crazy.

"I just wanted to say, Krissie and me are ready to go whenever you are. We don't want to rush you, I just thought I'd tell you in case you were waiting for us."

"Right old chum," said Rimmer, "well get going in a little while, just got a few things to take care of first."

Dave nodded and left, heading back to Kochanski. Rimmer watched him jealously, in about an hour he would be in his own dimension with people who knew who he was, reunited with Kochanski, he had everything he wanted. Whereas Rimmer, in about an hour he'd be back to skipping around from dimension to dimension being heroic. He'd be back to pretending to be something he wasn't twenty-four hours a day. He knew his time back in his own dimension hadn't been perfect, but then when had it ever been before he left? But it had been such a relief to be able to be himself, even if it was only for a few minutes at a time. He just wished he could stay, but it would be impossible. Not only did he know he wouldn't be able to keep pretending, the universe needed an Ace Rimmer, and for the moment, in the time between now and when his light bee was destroyed, that Ace Rimmer was him, there was nothing he could do about it.

Or was there?

No, he decided, there definitely wasn't. With a sigh, he went to find Lister and tell him he was going on his way.


End file.
